


The Job You Deserve

by Emma_Oz



Category: Highlander: The Series
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 04:44:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emma_Oz/pseuds/Emma_Oz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Methos meets with an employment counsellor who is unimpressed with his resume.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Job You Deserve

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cupidsbow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidsbow/gifts).



‘Well, if we’re starting at the beginning, my first position was as Death.’

‘You... were death?’

Methos leaned forward in his chair and braced his hands against the desk before him. ‘I thought of myself more as DEATH.’

There was a slight pause as the official shuffled his paperwork, and a slightly longer on as he toyed with his name badge. Hi, My Name is Hal. Let Me Help You into the Job You Deserve. ‘Could you specify your duties as... err... Death?’

‘Mostly slaying of course. Terrorising. Some rape, some torture. Generally being a legendary force for evil.’

Hal stared fixedly at the desk. 

‘I was quite good at it, you know,’ Methos added defensively, ‘I killed. But I didn’t just kill fifty, I didn’t kill a hundred. I killed a thousand, I killed ten thousand! And I was good at it... When mothers warned their children the monster would get them, the monster was me! I was the nightmare that kept them awake at night!’

Hal was staring at him in bemused horror. ‘Job satisfaction is good.. but, um, do you have any more recent work experience? Something with... less gore perhaps?’

‘After I left the Horsemen I worked in a temple in Alexandria for a while.’

‘Religious work, good. Go on.... What were your duties?’

‘I brought people closer to the gods, reminded them of the pleasures of life, connected them to the ripeness of the earth, had sex with them.’ Methos sighed happily, a slight smile playing about his lips, ‘I really enjoyed being a temple prostitute.’

‘Ah.’

‘You think that highlighting sex work on my resume isn’t a good idea?’

‘On the whole, I’d recommend against it.’

‘Right... Look, I do have lots of skills, you know.’

‘I’m sure you do, Mr... Methos. It’s just a question of presenting them in the right light to prospective employers. Now perhaps we’ve been approaching this the wrong way. Maybe you should tell me about some of the jobs you’ve enjoyed the most. We could look for something in the same field.’

There was a slight pause as Methos considered this premise. He began enthusiastically. ‘I really enjoyed being a god. it was a cushy number. All I had to do was be ritually sacrificed every year and then ploughed back into the ground to fructify it. The rest of the year it was sex with nubile maidens of the clan and all the bison I could eat.’

Hal looked interested. ‘Sounds great. How did you get into that line of work?.... but no, what am I saying...’

Methos added helpfully. ‘I also very much enjoyed my time as a brigand.’

Hal shook his head.

‘Oh right, no gore. Um... agent provocateur?’

‘Exotic dancer?’

‘Bon vivant?’

Methos paused and, calling on five thousand years worth of cunning, added, ‘I make a mean cappuccino.’

Hal lifted his head from his hands and began scribbling notes furiously in his file.

‘I type at thirty five words per minute. Faster if they don’t have to be English words.’

‘Go on, go on.’

‘I’m willing to sleep with the boss.’

Hal flipped his notebook shut. ‘Mr Methos I think we can guarantee placing you in work within the week. It’s been a pleasure.’

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in *The Rhyzome Factor*. Written in 2000.


End file.
